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The
Feature Articles
New Article
"The
Best Ways to Develop a Lasting Relationship"
Conscious
Communication Series
Part 02
"Express
Yourself
with Purpose"
February
2007 Part 01
"Dress
to Express"
January 2007
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August 2007
How many Intimate relationships
have you had in your lifetime? Have you dated
“much”? Are you still wondering why all those past
relationships didn’t hold up to the tests of time,
only now to leave you with apprehension and caution
as to whether or not you should open your heart up
again, to let the flow of love through you, to
attract someone else again? Will it succeed this
time, you may ask?
Well, it’ about the journey, not the destination, as
in the end nothing stays the same, time and death
will befall most people when they least expect it or
when they have lived out their lives, and even then,
the consecrated vows of “till death do us part”,
leaves the reality of life on the background canvas,
less you forget to live in the moment and live in
the now, and live in the future, in your mind as the
day’s pass you by
Take the step, look forward, but learn from the past
relationships you’ve had! Most people are all
walking around with this wealth of knowledge on how
to find happiness for themselves, personally,
tailored to their being, from the experiences of
their past, only if one could learn to look at the
past without attachment, without identifying with
it, as it doesn’t exist anymore, only within your
memory and mind.
Then one would be able to truly learn and absorb
within the NOW, all those beautiful qualities and
aspects of your being that you had expressed in the
past, and integrate them into your personality NOW,
like giving yourself a Personal Personality
Makeover, where you look at all the different ways
you’ve expressed yourself through your personality,
which is multi-layered, multi-dimensional, and keep
all the good stuff, and cut away the bad stuff, so
that you’ve learned what not to do, and what works
for you.
But you must also work on the deeper layers, and
understand why you act the way you do. What is
motivating your actions? Why do you even wake up in
the morning?
Are you just acting out other people wishes, their
will and expectations for you, or are you acting in
every moment through your Inner Self, always
flowing, always clear, detached from the influence
of your external world, and follow the guidance that
you feel from your inner world, the inner you? Are
you an Ego with a Conscience or a Conscience with an
Ego? Or are you neither? Are you the Pure Spirit and
Consciousness within your being that is within all
things? Are you your body or your mind, or are you
the ‘owner’ of a body and a mind? Are your thoughts
you or can you watch your thoughts? Are you aware
that you are watching your thoughts, or are you
unaware that you are observing your own thoughts?
If you can watch a thing, that thing may seem to be
you, but if you are aware that you are being aware
of something, then you are neither the thing being
watched, nor the thing that is watching, you are
that which is within both the observer and the
observed, the observing, the now, the presence, the
flowing that pervades all things, the Spirit and
Consciousness in which the body and mind exists.
We are not physical beings, we are energy beings,
spiritual beings, integrated with a physical body
through the mind, which is interconnected with the
brain, which is the control station for the body,
but exists beyond the brain, just a
remote-controlled toy car is separate from the
remote-control itself but the remote control sends a
signal which the car acts on, and the car has an
area inside it where the signals is received and
acted upon, like a brain, a machine, a tool, and in
the same way the mind and brain and body are for us.
How so? Well the Brain and body would be likened to
the remote-controlled car, the mind would be the remote-control, the Spirit would be the energy that exists
within the car and the remote-control that
allows them both to exist and be animated, and the
Consciousness would be the person making the car move in the direction they want it to go.
They are the underlying will or intent of the
actions, where the true answer to how and why the
car is able to move about freely, just
as we do when we walk around living our lives. But
what is making us move. Why is it that we often feel
like doing one thing, while at the same time we feel
like doing just the opposite? Are we the brain or
the mind? Are we the body or the spirit? Are we pure
consciousness?
Are we materially centered, always concerned or
mindful, aware of money, desiring money? Are we
emotionally and intellectually centered? Always
concerned with how things feel to us, or labeling
people based on our emotions, as good or bad, are we
only concerned with our own well-being and our own
pleasures in life at the expense of others? Do I
show unconditional Love to all that I meet? Do you
take into consideration how your actions will affect
your intimate relationships? Are you conscious and
aware of the presence of your boyfriend/girlfriend
whenever you are both together, feeling the energy
within you both as One, or do you see them as
separate from you, something to be used and
exploited? Do you see them as a person or a thing?
Are you your emotions or are you just experiencing
emotions?
By breaking down your Self, and understanding what
makes you tick, has the effect of empowering you
with knowledge, the Knowledge of Self which is what
will enable you to find success in your future
relationships, because if you continue to keep the
same ‘ways of thinking’, the same perceptions about
yourself, then you cannot change your future.
Your old habits or the programs that exist within
the mind, like a remote control with programmed
settings or effects, will continue to play
themselves out, unless you are aware of them, and
then change to another setting, something that works
for you.
It is this journey within that everyone who has had
a breakup, should and must take. Unless you can look
within yourself, you may have many ‘hang-ups’ that
you will take with you to your next relationship,
dooming them before they start.
In this way you can heal those open wounds, and
build yourself up so that you have something to give
to the next relationship without feeling drained or
burdened, because you didn’t take enough time to ‘be
single again’, and focus on what you really want,
since you are now a different person already, than
the person you were when you were in your past
relationship.
Once you’ve taken some time to look within yourself
and center yourself within your being, because it is
very easy when in a relationship to be centered in
the other person, and every time you experience a
breakup you are thrown from your center, so once you
are back home, back within your own being, conscious
and aware, possessing a heightened sense of things,
a deeper knowing of your Self, who you are, what you
want, and are then ready to meet someone new,
It is time to LOOK at the FLOW and GROWTH of your
past relationships, for this will open the insight
into the key aspects necessary for a successful
relationship from your Perspective of what you truly
need, desire, and what you can give to a
relationship so aid its growth.
This summer I did some research, into the phases
that relationships go through, looking for the
underlying cause of why relationships fail, why the
divorce rates are so high, why are people that seem
to be in Love one day, suddenly are at each others
throats, ready to assault their former lovers, with
the ammunition of secrets, and concessions made in
the past, hoping that the pain they feel inside will
be made as real for their former lover, as it is for
them. How can this be??? What is going on here?
Is love just a lie? Where is the deeper truth to be
found in the chaos, seen in Today’s inter-personal
relationships and families which ripples its effects
throughout the world, effecting businesses, the
economy, the environment, security, and much more.
Just a few days ago, the world markets plunged 2 –
4%, fluctuating, because a whole bunch of American
Households Defaulted on their Mortgages! Everything
OK at home there? What’s going on?
Are we looking at the fresh buds of a broken
marriage, and passionate lawsuits, hearts filled
with anger and shame, and hate, their relationships
crumbling like a house of cards, blowing away in the
wind, at the slightest turbulence.
Where is the glue that holds people together through
thick and thin, where “LOVE” isn’t based on how much
we get from each other, to how much we will give for
each other, so that we are both safe, secure, in
love, happy, successful, blissful and content.
Well, when two people who are in a relationship are
arguing with each other, trying to persuade each
other to do things their way, this signifies a ‘lack
of respect’ for each other, which is why they argue,
unwilling to see things from the other persons
perspective and truly come to understand the person
their dating. Or is it just for the sex why people
decide to start dating, people they hardly know
nowadays? So no wonder their love life gets kicked
to the curb in the end!
They lack a vibrant foundation, for their
relationship is only steamy sex, hot air, moans and
groans, but at the end of the day, if your
relationship has a base, a foundation, then you can
be sure that you’ll want to be around that person
more and more, and you’ll respect them, their
opinion, their values, which gives meaning to your
intimacy, the key ingredient that most casual sexual
encounters lack, except the meaning that you’re
using someone to get what you want, which only
empowers your Ego and alienates your True Self, into
the distance, forcing you off center, living in an
unstable reality.
They no longer become a ‘thing’ for you to use
according to how you feel, but you realize that they
are a living, breathing, intelligent human being,
and you accept them fully as unique, authentic
individuals, and you love them for it.
This is how people feel towards their friends, and
most people will die for their best friend, but the
person their dating, many will just say, “Well,
there are more fish in the sea”, because they look
at them as just someone their dating, not as a
Friend.
Now how is it that people end up dating without
being friends? Well it happens all the time! The
majority of people who were asked, Whether or not
they believe that being “Friends First” would have
saved a past relationship, said “YES”! Why? Because
being Friends First, creating that Foundation of
Friendship is what creates that deep appreciation
and respect for the other person, which is what will
keep you from arguing when you should be listening,
understanding them, instead of judging them.
When asked, the people surveyed also said that their
BEST RELATIONSHIPS were with persons whom they had
developed an INITIAL FRIENDSHIP with! Now those that
had just met the person and started dating within a
short time them and then got into an intimate
relationship, the majority said that it didn’t work
out in the end, and when you think about how many
people jump into dating and a relationship too
quickly they usually have their relationships
falling apart, failing in the end, unless they’ve
developed a Friendship, and inner core, a foundation
along the Way!
Now, should your best friend out of the opposite sex
be the person you’re in a relationship with or
someone else? Well, if you don’t look at them as a
best friend, then if you were to get married, you’d
have problems! Sure it ‘could’ work, but the
question is, what is preventing your boyfriend or
girlfriend or partner from becoming your
‘best-friend’? Why not look at the possibilities?
Most people feel too vulnerable and are too insecure
to make the leap into Pure Love, trying to hold onto
some footing for security, without realizing that
the person they’ve been fighting with all this time
is themselves. YOU can make the decision to open up
yourself to the other person completely and allow a
deep friendship to develop, and from that solid
foundation, start dating, and from there develop a
lasting relationship.
Take the lead, the other person will follow, as long
as you don’t put up with any ‘crap’ from them, so
that you can develop a respect for each other that’s
lacking in most relationships today.
Now, when I say Friendship, I mean Intimate
Friendship / Dating / Intimate Relationship. You’re
not looking to create a platonic friendship for that
would be for someone you weren’t interested in
developing an intimate relationship with, and by
‘Intimate’, well; it’s for you as an individual to
decide what ‘Intimate’ means for you in a friendship
with someone of the opposite sex that you would be
interested in creating a Potential Relationship
with.
So you still create attraction together, flirt,
express your sexuality, your masculinity or
femininity, you still maintain the polarity of being
“The One Choosing and The One Chased”, while acting
from your center, your Self, but you are Friends, so
there is a certain ‘detachment’, a non-needing, a
wanting sure, but you don’t need them, the way
people usually are when they date off the bat and
they seem to be obsessed with being around each
other 24/7, forgetting about their friendships, only
to be sick of each other a few weeks down the line,
and off they are to the next person.
Now if a man were to meet a woman, and they were
attracted to each other, and then they decide to be
friends, and they spent time together, sharing
together, expressing themselves together, they will
grow to appreciate and respect each other for who
they are, and not who they think they are or should
be.
Now they’ve been attracted to each other the whole
time, and they are already privately thinking and
fantasizing to themselves about what it would be
like if they were to date. Who better? He likes her,
her personality, after the first few weeks they met,
and they let their ‘guards down’, and they’re acting
like their normal self, going from someone who’s
trying to not be embarrassing, to not caring whether
they looks embarrassing or not to each other, mixed
with a deep attraction that keeps growing and
growing, and a total acceptance of the person, your
Intimate Friend.
Now you start Dating. One night you were both
talking and one of you suggests that you go on a
date, said jokingly, about how much fun you both
would have, and you both look at each other, and you
know, that you both like each other, and from your
body languages, your subtle touches, glances, facial
expressions, you both know that you’re about to
start dating, and as long as you both remain
centered, you start growing closer and closer.
Success Pattern for Lasting Relationships
Friendship | Dating | Relationship
Foundation | Integration | Synchronization
Dating is the Middle Zone, the
Gap between Friendship and Relationship. Most people
just start dating and then get into a relationship,
but as we’ve seen, that doesn’t work out. Just as
you go from Friendship – Dating – Relationship, the
phases are Foundation – Integration –
Synchronization
The friendship is the foundation, dating is where
you work at integrating your two beings together,
your chemistry and connection to create something
greater that either of you, and an Intimate
Relationship, the completion, the realization of
what you are trying to accomplish, a synchronization
of two beings through the union of love, evolves
them to a new starting point of growth as a 'new'
couple, a new creation, together as One.
If you have all 3 parts in place, you will be able
to both sustain your relationship. If you have no
foundation, or didn’t integrate yourselves together,
keeping a blind-eye to each others faults without
dealing with them, you are likely asking for
failure. Just don’t do it!
Instead, work on yourself, look within yourself, get
to know who you REALLY are, and from that
perspective, start building your relationships from
the ground up, developing your Foundation, your
Integration, and your Union together so that your
relationship is something that lasts forever,
something that people will one day write books
about, the Great Loves of the 21st Century, your
history, for all time, your Love, alive in the
hearts of men, songs sung from the joys of your
love, vibrating your own tune, being made more
realized, throughout the pages of eternity.
David Vassell
Send Your Questions and Comments to:
dayv@datingfinesse.com
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