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The Feature Articles

New Article
"The Best Ways to Develop a Lasting Relationship"

Communication Series

Part 02
"Express Yourself
with Purpose
February 2007

Part 01
"Dress to Express"
January 2007




Playful Banter"

May 2007

Playful Banter, Sexual Communication.  Flirting.  Teasing.  Messing with each other.  Joking around.  That special type of communication that takes place between a man and a woman to ambiguously show interest, test, discover the subtleties of each others personalities, escalate the bond between each other, and see what kind of chemistry, or vibe the two of you have.  Do you vibe well together, are you 'compatible'. 

Interestingly if you think about it, people have a harder time laughing with, having fun with those that they have no connection with, people you don't vibe well with, since to have fun with those in your company, is to be 'in sync' with your group.  Everyone's at the same level, everyone's having fun, everyone's enjoying the time together.

Laughter is a good indicator of how well a relationship is going between a man and a woman, or any group for that matter.  Next time you're around a lot of people, notice the the groups, and couples around you.  Are they laughing, having fun, smiling, do they have strong eye contact, or do they seem bored, preoccupied, as if they all wished they were somewhere else? 

Bonds are created by shared experiences, whether pleasant or harsh.  Laughing creates happy times, good times.  The more 'good times you have, the stronger your bond.  Think about the friends you have from when you were young, the ones you've spend years laughing with.  Those are your closest friends.  In the dating scene, laughter is just as important in forging romantic relationships, as it is in forming friendships.

When you are on a date with someone, bring fun and humor to the table.  Dates should be exciting, intense, sensational experiences, if you want to have a strong bond together.  A boring experience will create a bond of boredom, and whenever you think of each other, all you will feel is boredom.  Guys and girls should use a date as a time to expose each other to different sides of their  personalities in the short amount of time, you have to spend together.

The difference between a person who is fun and a person who is boring, isn't so much the topics they're talking about, but the way they talk about it.  Fun people are descriptive, their stories are mesmerizing,  and command attention, and are about fun things, exciting topics.  Negative comments, complaining, putting down yourself portrays a boring, deficient attitude and personality.  Positive comments, laughing, being humorously excited about your life and in being you, communicates to everyone around you that you are a joyous person to be around.

Remember all the good times with your friends, and bring that level of energy, that sense of well being, relaxation, confidence, contentment, and humor you and your friends experience when you are together, and then act like that when you're on a date, like the girl or guy in front of you is a close friend.  Then just like you would do with your friends, you can joke around, mess with each other, tease each other, have fun together, just like you would with any other friend. 

The popular concept of Being Friends First, before you get into a romantic relationship really is all about creating those fun experiences together, so that you already have a bond, which is the reason why you're both entering into a relationship.

Whenever you're out on a date, or hanging out with someone your interested in, ALWAYS BRING THE FUN, don't expect them to bring it, now if you both bring it, then you'll have the time of your life. View it as a challenge!  Who can be more fun to be around you or your date? 

Keep creating fun times together, and create sexual tension so that there is an 'air' or romantic interests so that you're not 'just friends', and you will naturally end up in a relationship if things continue to progress.  How can you start your own budding romance and allow it to grow and flourish?   Simple.

Do the same things you've done already when creating the friendships you currently have, but under the context of a Romantic Friendship, not a Platonic Friendship.  Meaning, all the elements of what creates a romantic friendship must be there first. 

'You have to have it, to have it"

You have to have the Romantic Friendship going first, before either of you can really even acknowledge to each other, that you're both IN a romantic relationship.  To create a romantic friendship, there are a few basic elements to every romantic relationship, otherwise it falls apart. 

So you start off with playful banter, the teasing, messing, joking, playful, funny interaction, basically what you would do if you were with your friends having fun.  Start responding like you would if you were already friends, communicating your personality, leading the conversation, building trust and comfort together, so that you both feel comfortable being together.

Seeing that you're comfortable with them, and are assuming rapport together, like you were friends forever, creates that deeper level of rapport, and comfort instantly, which creates a bond in itself, since all friends feel comfortable around each other.  The only thing that is missing, is a strong level of sexual tension, so that you're relationship isn't platonic, but romantic.

When you meet someone you feel like you've known your whole life, what you're feeling is the same "Comfort Level" that you would feel with someone you've known for a long time.  IF you assume it from the beginning, then you will have it, because you will start acting and interacting like you've been friends for years, and they will follow along, it is only natural.

Sometimes you just have to do it, and not wait for it.  That's what people that are charming or charismatic do, treat those around them like they're an old friend, and not like they're a stranger.  If you treat everyone you meet, like an old friend off the bat, you'll have more friends than you will know what to do with. 

Now you have to create, amplify, and enhance the sexual tension between you under the context of the comfort you have together, and creating fun experiences through your interactive playful bantering.  Playful bantering with sexual tension is flirting, indicating romantic interest. 

So flirting now starts to create sexual tension, and deepens the comfort level you have.  The more memorable experiences you have together, the stronger the sexual tension you will begin to have between the two of you.  As that begins to intensify, and grow, you will then have a Romantic Bond with each other. 

If you continue to grow that bond, continue to increase the sexual tension, the comfort level between both of you, and continue interacting playfully, laughing, joking, having fun together, playfully bantering with each other, with time, that bond blossoms into a Romantic Friendship, and if you wish to maintain it, a Romantic Relationship. 

Knowing and understanding the different stages and how they relate to each other is very powerful and useful. It gives you the ability to now identify what stages you are in your dating interactions, and then direct the relationship into the direction you want, according to your intent, or purpose.

If you're not having as much fun together, bring more fun to the table, have more interesting conversations, lay off the serious topics for a while.  If you start feeling weird or detached from each other, you need more sexual tension between you. 

If you feel uneasy, anxious, or nervous around each other, you need to build a deeper comfort level.  If you have a romantic bond that seems to fluctuate on and off,  you need to spend a little more time together, building a deeper bond.  Truly, you can see how useful this concept is, so here below is the structure broken down for a Romantic Friendship:

Playful Banter + Sexual Tension + Comfort = Romantic Bond + Time = Romantic Friendship

Reread this article over again, apply it to your current dating situations and your past relationships and see how this relates to the development of those relationships and how your break up relates to this model, and you will start to see the patterns emerge which is when you will now see what things you need to do differently and the same in your future interactions.

When looking at your dating success, it is our perspectives make or break a relationship, it is through our perspectives that we choose the decisions and actions we make each day.  Think about your dating life in terms of starting Romantic Friendships, and not just Romantic Relationships, since your boyfriend/girlfriend is after all YOUR FRIEND, and thinking about what a Romantic Friendship means, what it entails, how a man and a woman in a romantic friendship would treat each other, and interact together will give you your own model by which you should set up your dating life, the way you truly want your dating life to be.

David Vassell



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